Cinema Sins: Everything Wrong With Northwest Mansion Mystery
by Little Mockingjay
Summary: A cinama sins fic of Northwest Mansion Mystery. Rated for certain themes. Revised.


**Disclaimer** : I don't own Gravity Falls or the CinemaSins series.

 **Everything Wrong With: Northwest Mansion Mystery**

" _Put the oyster fork at an angle. We're not animals, man."_

P 1: Mr. Northwest refers to those who wouldn't put an oyster fork as an angle as animals.

 _Pacifica appears in her green dress and give a small bow._

P 2: Pacifica Northwest. Both the name and the girl.

 _The bell rings._

P 3: Child abuse

" _Oh no, it's...happening."_

P 4: "It's happening" cliché.

 _Shot of the newspaper. Close-up on Dipper's picture._

P 5: WHAT? Dipper fighting off a giant bat-thing? Where the hell is that episode?

 _Shortened themesong._

P 6: Kickass theme song is needlessly shortened.

" _Make room for Grenda!"_

P 7: The girls pile on poor Dipper, steal his snacks and spill his soda. Did Dipper not explain to them the significance of this marathon to him? You think to gather snacks and drinks and such, but you don't think to take your sister aside and call dibs on the TV for a bit, which is what most people do _before_ they make themselves a little marathon nest? Some 'smart guy' you are.

" _I don't wanna be seen in this hovel!"_

P 8: Is that why you drop by here every time there's a social event, be it a second-rate karaoke party or a cheapass fair, apparently of your own volition?

" _And why should I trust you? All you've ever done is try to humiliate me and Mabel."_

P 9: She's tried to humiliate Mabel, man. She never did anything to you. In fact, I think this is the longest you two have ever spoken to each other at all at this point.

" _Just name your price, okay? I'll give you anything."_

P 10: Bow-chika-wow-wow!

"Dreeeaaaamm..."

P 11: Spongbob!

" _Fine, I'll bust your ghost."_

P 12: Ghost-busting.

P 13: Also, with where my mind just was, that line sounds oddly sexual.

" _Grenda, get the glue-gun. We're making dresses!"_

P 14: Dress making calls for glue-guns.

" _Welcome to Northwest Manor, dorks."_

P 15: Pacifica was chastised earlier for wearing the incorrect shade of green. Solution? Wear an entirely different color!

" _Fancy floors, fancy plants, *gasps* fancy man!"_

P 16: Mabel starts touching things immediately after being told not to touch anything.

" _The rumors were true!"_

P 17: Cool, but that seems both unsanitary and dangerous."

 _A newly tux-clad Dipper emerging from a changing room with a visibly constricted neck._

P 18: A formal three-piece suit with a bow-tie is by no means practical attire for ghost hunting.

" _Don't touch that!"_

P 19: Ya know, if you put tassels on a picture frame, aren't you pretty much asking someone to fiddle with it?

 _Maurice Van Funhouser!_

P 20:...That's a guy, right?

 _Girls laugh nervously after making their pact._

P 21: Making unkeepable promises.

" _Just gotta splash this sucker with some anointed water and he should be out of your...probably fake blond hair."_

P 22: Reputation or not, where does a twelve-year-old get actual anointed water?

" _Ancient sins...Ancient sins...Ancient sins...Ancient sins..."_

P 23: Zombie animal corpses leaking rivers of fresh blood? Is this a Disney show or a Saw movie?

P 24: Also, we later learn that the curse is a mere hundred-and-fifty years old. That's old, but not what many people would call 'ancient'.

" _Come out...Come out...wherever you are..."_

P 25: The ghosts' ax has the same ghostly aura around it as the ghost himself, suggesting that it is part of him. But then it's clearly ripping apart the floor while it's being dragged along. Is the ax a tangible thing or not?

" _Read through your dumb book already!"_

P 26: HOW DARE YOU MINIMIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF THE JOURNALS!

P 27: Also, why are you yelling? I thought you were trying to hide.

" _Cheese. Chocolate. Cheese. Chocolate. Cheese. Chocolate."_

P 28: Gross.

 _Mabel and Candy nod to each other, having agreed to terminate their truce._

P 29: Betrayal.

" _This room has my parents' favorite carpet pattern. They'll lose it if we track mud in there!"_

P 30: So simply taking your muddy shoes off isn't an option here?"

" _Your fate is se-e-a-aled!"_

P 31: I spy a llama. I'm so good at this game!"

 _While running from the ghost, Pacifica trips with an 'ow'._

P 32: It's suggested here that Pacifica was hurt when she tripped, this being why she couldn't keeping running, however this injury does not seem to hinder her after this. This is odd coming from a show known for such impeccable attention to small details. Speaking of disappearing injuries...

 _When the ghost is trapped in the mirror, Dipper and Pacifica fall through a glass window, down a small hill and into a yard._

P 33: Yeah, that's some cuts, bruises and scrapes on both of them at the very least.

" _We did it!"_

P 34: Apparently Pacifica only let go because she realized what she was doing, but I'm not buyin' it. I mean, look at her face! That's not a 'what am I doing' face, that's the face of a girl who's nether-regions are being poked by a pubescent boner!

P 35: Also, she stays like that for a few seconds and seems to be enjoying it. Does this mean she's been wanting to do this for a while? Has she actually liked Dipper before this? Important questions.

" _Can I pay you to pretend that never happened?"_

P 36: With this fandom? That's a laugh!

" _Ehehe. Category ten."_

P 37: Nerd-flirting. Nerting!

" _You've been had, boy."_

P 38: 'Been had'? I don't think that slang existed in the 1800's.

" _With the trees gone, the mudslides began."_

P 39: If the mansion is at the top of the hill, where is the mud coming from? Shouldn't it be sliding down the hill and away from the mansion, not to it?

" _The Northwests knew this haunting was coming? And they tricked me into helping them to avoid ghostly justice?"_

P 40: The family who you know are untrustworthy frauds lied to you? What a shocker!

" _Dipper, you came back!"_

P 41: Yup, she definitely digs him.

" _I was right about you all along; you're just as bad as your parents."_

P 42: Dude, how do you know she even knew about the curse? For all you know, she only knows what you knew. Ya know?

" _Another link in the world's worst chain."_

P 43: I'm pretty sure there's some folks in, say, North Korea who would disagree with that sentiment.

 _*Bell rings*_

P 44: Child abuse

" _Yes. Vengeance!"_

P 45: Hey, ghost! You just tricked the kid into letting you go and are about to kill not only the Northwests' but countless innocent people including the sister of the kid that freed you. Mind filling me in on how you are any better than the Northwests right now?

" _Oh no! Mabel!"_

P 46: Candy! Grenda! Pacifica! Hundreds of innocent party-goers who've done thing to deserve their fates! Selfish bastard.

 _Stuffed bears comes alive and roars._

P 47: Show steals its sound effects from well-known Ranken-Bass Christmas specials and doesn't expect anyone to notice.

" _A painted record of every horrible thing that my family's ever done."_

P 48: Okay, this is getting tiresome. If you're serious about keeping a big secret, why do you keep the evidence, nay; the absolute proof, of said secret lying around your house for any wondering eye to find. I guess it's a little better here in that it's in a secret room, but it's not very well hidden when the room can easily be stumbled upon by a couple of roughhousing twelve-year-olds.

" _You are all wood!"_

P 49: The wood's fine, but where'd all the vegetation come from?"

 _Shot of Mabel, Candy and Grenda, all wooded._

P 50: Really, girls? Really?

" _Alright, ghost. Prepare to get –"_

P 51: Brilliant planning; announce your presence and intentions to your enemy, giving them seconds of prep time, and _than_ let them have it! Is it me, or is Dipper kind of an idiot in this episode?

 _Gates opening._

P 52: CGI

" _My heart, once as hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a birch, or something."_

P 53: F***ing what?

" _I feel...lumber...justice..."_

P 54: Stop saying weird things!

" _I don't have a phone! Write it on my face!"_

P 55: But you just said you didn't...Oh, forget it.

" _Enjoy it while it lasts. Next year I'm sure they're just gonna lock everyone out again."_

P 56: That actually raises a fair point. If they do that, will the ghost come back? Will the curse still be lifted? For that matter, what are they going to do to Pacifica when this party is over?

 _Dipper and Pacifica trash her parent's carpet together._

P 57: A party just isn't a party without the needless trashing of someone else's house.

" _But seriously, I'd better go find someone to clean this up."_

P 58: This is literally the last time we see or so much as hear from Pacifica for quite a while. Her next appearance is in 'Dipper and Mabel Vs The Future', which aired over half a year after this episode. In the meantime, we have no idea what kind of punishment her parents inflicted on her for this or if she's even okay.

 **Sin Count: 58**

 **Sentence: Pavlovian conditioning (by bell)**

Auntie Whispers: "The ringing of the bell commends you."

 ***Post credits other media thingy***

Scene: Dipper getting up, having captured the ghost in the silver mirror.

Voice Over, Nostalgia Critic (Casper review): He is defeated. I have defeated the evil ghost. Hug me-e!

Scene: Dipper confronting Pacifica about her lie, inter-cut with the second scene in the secret room.

Voice Over, My Little Pony:Friendship Is Magic (Slice of Life):

Lyra: Are you saying our whole friendship was based on a lie?

Bonbon/Sweetie Drops: I'm sorry, Lyra! I couldn't tell you for your own protection!

Lyra: B-but, the benches we've sat on! The lunches! The long talks! None of that was real?

Bonbon/Sweetie Drops: It was all real. You're my very best friend.

Scene: Pacifica, having just pulled the lever, looking proud of herself.

Voice Over: Compassion for others: Pass it on.

Scene: Preston ringing the bell as Pacifica attempts to reach for the lever.

Song: 'Numb' by Linkin Park

Can't you see that you're smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control – 'cause everything that you thought I would be is fallin' apart, right in front of you. Every step that I take is another mistake to you!

* * *

Review.


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